The New Pope
Hold your breath, they're bringing out the new pope!
Everyone rise for his new holiness.
You'd better pray he doesn't see his shadow;
we need an end to this ungodly mess.
I hope you're ready for the inquisition.
We're bringing it back to the good, old days.
I'd like to see how you get out of this one.
Now, close your eyes and whisper, "God is great."
So if you're going to burn a day indelibly
into your fragile memory, it might as well be a day like today,
but it's burning fast so…
Hold on a minute while I get my pen, so I can write this all over again.
I guess I owe you a thank you then,
you fucking asshole.

Come on and tell me it's not what it looks like.
Come on and tell me that you can explain.
Not everybody has your godly foresight,
so can you help us fit this in your frame?


What You Pay For
Ever, only, never, always;
it's such an abstract disease.
Pacing around in the hallway,
counting your change.
What's that that you've got,
and have you got enough for everyone?
If it's just for you, we're going to take it away.
…replace it with what we're selling in the editorials,
you simply have to have it, and we're going to give it to you.
So tell me you want us to.
Oh do you, do you, do you?

Well is it over? I'm sorry, I nodded out,
but from the cover I already know what it's about.
I'll bet it ends with a twist, whether your mind or your wrist.
They're getting what you pay for.

Ever, only, never, always;
looks better down on your knees.
And as for why, we can always look to the East.


The Best Is Over
Can everyone settle down please?
This isn't such a good time,
and anyone who thought it would be
just didn't read the fine lines.

But I guess we're getting too old.
I guess we're all just too tired.
So let's get into our big chair and stare into the big fire.

And doesn't it strike you as strange
that we got here in the first place,
with all the things we swore we would change
that we wanted in the worst way?
I guess I should be going.
I guess it's getting too late,
but I'll see you on the weekend,
and maybe on your birthday.

I don't know anyone anymore.

…but really it was no trouble at all.
Really, it was nothing.
It's time you should be getting off,
but thank you for coming.


God Forbid
God forbid you get a few in you,
God forbid somebody sees,
God forbid that you should make a fool of yourself,
God forbid you're just like me.

Now just you wait until morning,
they'll have a field day with this.
God forbid that we should take the good with the bad,
God forbid that we should live.


Minor Surgery
What's the look that you're going for?
It's a loss, it's a loss, it's a total loss.
Best to not mix metaphors;
it's a wash, it's a wash, and it used to be your mattress.
…and I'm confused again.
 
Passed out on the kitchen floor;
you're a shock, you're a shock,
what a lovely shock.
Passed out with an open door;
it's a shock, it's a toss, it's an honest television.
 
And you're the last to know that we left hours ago.


Make It All Up
I am the old days,
I'm the "remember when we used to say"s,
I am the camera on your shoulder,
playing back the best days you no longer recognize.
I am the nightmares,
I am the "you're going to die here"s,
I am the last of the worst of the best who ever lived.

I've got a great idea
but I've got a good mind to just make it all up.
What's the difference?
It's not as if a turn of phrase
can put an end to the consequential,
so what's the difference?
You think you're fire-proof,
but I remember when I was you,
and now my signature won't match these great intentions
that I can't quite catch.
Another effort,
a shadow of its predecessor,
another out of work actor who wants to be his own director.

Let's not forget
our etiquette.


Your New Hobby
I'm writing in a basement,
you're writing from the set.
If you've got a convincing reason I haven't heard it yet.
And it's harder to give credit where it's due
When your gold record's made of silver spoons.
 
Leave us alone, leave us alone,
you've already got your own profession.
Stop auditioning for someone else's part.
Leave us alone, leave us alone,
we don't need your intervention.
I love your movies, keep your hands off of my art.
 
Carefully wrought approximations;
congratulations, you've bought your newest feature presentation.
Now get up and meet the press!
Who cares if it's cheap parlor tricks?
It's the costume that you've always wanted to wear, and
privilege has got nothing to do with it.
It's this easy for everyone, isn't it?
 
Well, I've always wanted to play the role of the hooker with the heart of gold,
and now you're looking at him.
I bought myself this new guitar, hired a band, and here we are!
…and we're singing at you,
"Lalalalalalalasomethingsomethingsomething!"
All of this means nothing.


Apologetics
I met the devil down at the crossroads. Sold him some pills,
he said, "I'm not what I used to be back when you believed in me.
I've sent my best men up to the surface. Haven't heard from them,
it makes me nervous. Hey, how are things up there, anyway?"
 
I talked to Jesus. He's now an actor.
He said, "I hate the camera, but the camera loves me.
It's this perfect chin, you see."
Sold him some cocaine. They called his stage name.
He said, "Man thanks a lot for coming all this way.
Tell dad that I said 'hey'."
 
Hallelujah! I've got the cure for your martyred blues.
I'll sell it to you, and I can get more if you need me to.
 
So now you've got a new, sick cellmate.
He's coughing and he's keeping you awake;
now doesn't that just make your head ache?
Well, I've got a quick fix for that,
let's measure out the product on these golden tablets.
God never said you couldn't have a little fun.
 
And so it starts one summer, selling to your friends.
Now, a few years later, I can't see how this is going to end.
I'm not even trying, and you just won't believe who's buying.
Not a bad way to make a living;
my clients make sure I'm forgiven.

Hallelujah! I've got the cure for your martyred blues.
I'll sell it to you, and I can get more if you need me to.
Hallelujah! Come down from that cross they're nailing you to.
I'll sell it to you, and I'll be the one who is saving you.


Elegy, Not Eulogy
You're long-winded elegy didn't do much for the gathering, and the silence sang your doubt.
The faithful hung their heads and filed out.
But that's the thing about death, I guess. It's hard to cast a shallow light on it. The living can't bury what the buried leave behind.
 
Please don't follow me home. It's been such a long time since I've been alone.
This wind drags heavy and slow, and I'm not ungrateful, I just want you to go.
 
So let's just put an end to it, the lockjaws and the Jesuits,
see where the horseshoe lands and call it a day.
That's the thing about death, I guess. See, everybody's scared to death of it,
and I can see it in your face no matter what you say.


Guest Room
The guest room is the best room for making mistakes,
in a tangle of odd-angled fingers and legs.
That girl was the right girl, but you met her too late,
and if it's a lie, well, that's still what you'll say.

The suitcase for the new age is chained to my arm,
and it counts down softly as my friends look on,
'cause that girl was the right girl but now she is gone.
The numbers slip closer to one.

There are no successes or failures to blame;
successes and failures are one and the same.
For every one given, one's taken away,
and if that's a lie, well, that's still what I'll say.


Lifetime Movie
It's quarter to nine, and he got off at five. She's starting to wonder if he's still alive, but she won't be calling on him to come home. She's got her pride, plus, he turned off his phone. She hears him stumble as he's coming in and she doesn't need to ask to find out where he's been, because unless his cologne changed from Hugo to gin, he's been drinking again.

From what he remembers, they could have made love. Hopefully he didn't pass out until they were done. As he's telling himself not to drive when he drinks he sees an expensive gold watch by the sink.
Now, he doesn't wear watches, and she doesn't buy gifts. It's three hours later before he knows where he is.


That's Entertainment
Oh, come on now, you can't be serious about that.
You know as well as I, your new affair won't pay your rent.
And your ideals, well, they're as noble as the next man's,
but soon I think you'll find they're not worth the money spent.
That's entertainment, son, you understand,
so you hold the pencil and we'll hold your hand,
and soon we'll all be laughing at this mess.
It seems like a pretty big scene, but moving is always a difficult thing,
and when it's done you'll love your new ad-dress you up,
it's new and strange, but just let me explain.
You can't have their ears 'till you catch their eyes.
 
Once you see who we're getting on board
you'll put your fears and doubts to rest.
We've hired the best…now let's get you dressed.
 
We've been receiving some troubling news.
The tests have been meeting with rather mixed reviews,
and we think it may need some changes.
It's actually not a big deal,
we just feel the writing needs broader appeal.
It's normal at these early stages.
 
Have you thought about a new producer?
Music directors love to see a name they know.
I'll have the intern call the movers.
A change of scenery could help you let this go.
 
"Kindly take a seat next to the door. Your best friend doesn't work here anymore."